


Homestrek

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 05:56:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/618841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Space. </p><p>The final frontier.</p><p>These are the voyages of the starship Ambition. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to utterly subjugate them and to crush them underfoot in the name of the glorious Alternian empire.</p><p>And to boldly go where no troll has gone before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Homestrek

K: CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 41361.2.

K: OUR DESTINATION IS SOME FUCKING PLANET AT THE ASS-END OF THE UNIVERSE THAT NO-ONE'S EVER FUCKING HEARD OF IN THEIR LIFE.

K: THERE IS BASICALLY NO WAY IT'S NOT GOING TO BE A COMPLETE SHITHOLE.

K: WE MIGHT AS WELL ALL SHOVE OUR HEADS UP OUR OWN ASSES AND GET TO CHEWING, IT'S THE SAME FUCKING RESULT.

K: EXCEPT THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE UNMITIGATED FUCKING PLEASURE OF CRUISING THROUGH DEEP FUCKING SPACE FOR THE NEXT ONE BILLION LIGHT YEARS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN DEEP SPACE? NOTHING. NADA. ABSOLUTELY JACK SHIT.

K: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'D BE IF I DIDN'T HAVE THAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO EACH AND EVERY FUCKING MORNING.

K: DAY AFTER WONDERFUL DAY OF SETTING THE UNIVERSE'S MOST POWERFUL STARSHIP ON FUCKING CRUISE CONTROL AND DRIFTING THROUGH THE INFINITE FUCKING VOID LIKE A SPASTIC WHO'S FORGOTTEN HOW TO WORK THE BRAKES ON HIS CRIPPLE CHAIR.

K: THE ONLY OTHER PEOPLE WITHIN, I SHIT YOU NOT, A HUNDRED BILLION MILES, ARE THE GAGGLE OF FUCKHEADS AND IRREEDEMABLE FUCKING MORONS THAT ARE LAUGHABLY REFERRED TO AS MY “CREW”.

K: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS INTOLERABLE.

K: MYSELF INCLUDED.

K: IN FACT I'M PRETTY SURE I'M THE WORST OF THE LOT.

K: THE EMPRESS MUST HAVE BEEN HIGH OFF HER TITS WHEN SHE INEXPLICABLY GRANTED ME COMMAND OVER THIS HYPERSPACE-CAPABLE KINDERGARTEN FOR THE CHRONICALLY RETARDED.

K: MAYBE SHE JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING FUNNY? A HIDEOUS MUTANT IN CHARGE OF A BUNCH OF CRIPPLES AND FUCKING LOWLIFES.

K: THERE'S A NEW FIRST OFFICER WAITING FOR US ON PLANET SHITHOLE. WHY IS HE ON PLANET SHITHOLE? BECAUSE THE EMPRESS LITERALLY COULD NOT STAND TO HAVE HIM WITHIN TEN THOUSAND PARSECS OF HER.

K: THAT'S THE CALIBRE OF DOUCHEBAG WE HAVE OUT HERE. CIVILIZED SOCIETY FINDS US SO ABJECTLY FUCKING REPUGNANT THAT IT DEDICATES ITS MOST ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY TO SENDING US AS FAR AWAY AS PHYSICALLY FUCKING POSSIBLE.

K: FUCK, I DON'T KNOW.

K: WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN SAYING, THIS IS SELF-DEPRECATING EVEN BY MY DISGUSTINGLY LOW STANDARDS.

K: MAYBE I'VE GOT SPACE MADNESS.

K: IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED. I'VE SNAPPED. I HAVE GAZED INTO THE ABYSS TOO LONG AND NOW THE ABYSS IS TELLING ME TO GO FUCK MYSELF.

K: WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU TOO.

K: FUCK YOU, SPACE.

K: FUCK.

K: YOU.

K: TOO.

-

You are Commander Jean-Luc Pikarkat of the ISS _Ambition._ Wait, no you're not. That sounds stupid. You are Commander Karkat Vantas of the ISS _Ambition._ You have a shitload of that: ambition. Your instructor at the Imperial Fleet Academy described you in your annual report as “enterprising”, which you happen to know is sort of a synonym for “ambitious”, although “enterprise” would be a far stupider name for a ship. You would have appreciated the compliment more had the report contained any other positive comment whatsoever, but you'll take what you can get. You're used to taking what you can get. Growing up in the slums of Alternia with a hideous mutant blood colour that marked you down to be culled at the slightest opportunity was a fucking crash course in taking what you can get. Being troll French didn't help either.

Most trolls in your position would be satisfied with just being alive, but you never were, or with anything else, ever. The fact that you now have command of your own starship is almost entirely due to this bone-deep pathological stubbornness. You got into the Academy via a complicated scheme involving bribery, disguise, faked application forms, stowing away in the cargo hold and a couple of pints of someone else's blood. Of course you were discovered within seconds and forced to resort to plan B, which involved shouting at people until they were forced either to let you in or toss you out the nearest airlock, which fortunately was being repaired that day. Through similar methods - to everybody's complete fucking astonishment including your own - you were somehow able to rise through the ranks until one day you discovered yourself the captain of your very own starship, occupying one of the most coveted positions in the Imperial Fleet. You still haven't got the hang of leadership, but you find that shouting is, in a pinch, an effective substitute. And you are in a pinch one hundred percent of the time.

Currently you are standing on the bridge of your ship, the ISS _Cruel Joke At The Expense Of Everyone Aboard,_ sorry you mean _Ambition._ You are looking out the window. What you see is this: space.

You fucking hate space. You wish you'd figured that out before you became a starship captain.

K: ALRIGHT EVERYONE, BATTLE STATIONS.

K: LOOK OUT FOR THAT STAR, I THINK IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A ROMULAN SHIP IN DISGUISE.

K: NO WAIT, NO I'M WRONG, IT'S JUST A STAR. SIMMER DOWN EVERYONE. WE'RE COOL. IT'S JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY FUCKING STAR.

K: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE MOST ABOUT SPACE?

K: ALL THE STARS.

K: EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.

K: THEY SHIT ME.

T: C4PT41N 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 B31NG F4C3T1OUS 4S P3R USU4L BUT 1M NOT SUR3 1F TH1S P4TCH OF SP4C3 1S QU1T3 4S ORD1N4RY 4S YOU TH1NK

T: 1M G3TT1NG SOM3 V3RY UNUSU4L R34D1NGS ON MY S3NSORS

K: WHAT SENSORS

K: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE SENSORS, WHO PUT THE FUCKING BLIND GIRL IN CHARGE OF THE SENSORS, WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THAT

K: LET'S ALL THINK VERY CLEARLY ABOUT THIS. WOULDN'T YOU HAVE ONE LESS SENSE THAN EVERYONE ELSE?

K: SO MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT YOU IN CHARGE OF, WELL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT COULD A BLIND PERSON DO ON A STARSHIP THAT WOULD BE OF EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING USE?

K: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING. CAN ANYONE ELSE THINK OF ANYTHING?

T: 4S YOU 4R3 W3LL 4W4R3 C4PT41N MY S3NSORY R4NG3 1S 4CTU4LLY F4R SUP3R1OR TO YOURS

T: 1T 1S M4GN1F13D BY TH1S N1FTY R3D PROSTH3S1S

T: WH1CH 4LSO GLOWS 1N TH3 D4RK!

T: OR SO 1M TOLD

T: TH3 ONLY TH1NG 1 R3GR3T 4BOUT B31NG BL1ND 1S TH4T 1 W1LL N3V3R B3 4BL3 TO S33 MY OWN CR33PY 3Y3 TH1NGY GLOW 1N TH3 D4RK L1K3 TH3 F34RSOM3 G4Z3 OF 4 MONST3R

T: 1TS 4 TR4G3DY

T: OF COURS3 1 C4N D3T3CT 1T W1TH MY BU1LT 1N 4UTOM4T1C SC3NTUL4TOR BUT 1T W1LL N3V3R QU1T3 B3 TH3 S4M3 > : [

K: WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT EVEN FUCKING WAS THAT

K: YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED

K: WHY DON'T YOU RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS, THEY'RE RIGHT OVER HERE BEHIND THIS DOOR MARKED “AIRLOCK”

A: i d0nt understand either

A: was it a j0ke

T: K1ND OF!

A: yes i think i see

A: y0u attempt to defuse a p0tentially tense situati0n by self-c0nsci0us exaggerati0n 0f y0ur 0wn pers0nality flaws

A: a cunning stratagem

A: all0w me t0 attempt an appr0priate em0ti0nal resp0nse

A: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

A: was that satisfact0ry

K: OKAY THE ONLY REASON I'M NOT SPACING YOU ALONG WITH HER IS BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I TRIED IT YOU FLOATED ALONG OUTSIDE THE SHIP FOR A DAY AND A HALF

A: yes that was calming i enj0yed it very much

V: I think Lieutenant Pyrope's right, captain.

V: I'm sensing something rather strange outside the ship. You know, with my spooooooooky mind powers!

K: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

This is your bridge crew. It consists of: one blind girl, one creepy android, one ship's counsellor and a couple of security officers whom are best not spoken of. You've never been able to decide which of them you hate most, but if you had to choose you'd probably say the counsellor. Apparently she's half-Betazoid. You have absolutely no idea what the fuck a Betazoid is. All you know is she's got mind powers and she's unbelievably fucking annoying.

K: LET'S FUCKING HEAR IT COUNSELLOR

K: WHAT ARE YOU SENSING? WAIT NO, DON'T FUCKING TELL ME, LET ME GUESS

K: IT'S SOME KIND OF “PRESENCE”

K: YES THAT'S GOT TO BE IT, YOU'RE SENSING A MYSTERIOUS PRESENCE

K: SOMETHING SO FUCKING MYSTERIOUS THAT IT IS ALMOST OVERWHELMING

K: WHAT EXACTLY IS ITS DEAL? YOU CAN'T SAY FOR SURE, IT'S LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER FELT BEFORE

K: IS IT HOSTILE? MAYBE. WHAT DOES IT WANT? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS

K: AND ANY SECOND NOW THE ALARMS WILL GO OFF TO CONFIRM EVERYTHING YOU'VE JUST TOLD US, AND BY “CONFIRM” I MEAN “RENDER TOTALLY FUCKING REDUNDANT”

*woop woop woop woop woop*

K: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, I MUST BE HALF A FUCKING BETAZOID MYSELF

K: THAT'S IF BETAZOIDS AREN'T SOMETHING YOU MADE UP JUST TO SOUND COOL WHICH I AM INCREASINGLY FUCKING CERTAIN IS THE CASE

K: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF WORD IS BETAZOID ANYWAY, IT'S JUST TWO SCIENCE SOUNDING WORD HALVES HAPHAZARDLY SHOVED TOGETHER, WHO THE FUCK WOULD NAME A FAKE SPECIES THAT AND EXPECT ANYONE TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY

V: I'm sensing a great deal of hostility from you, captain.

K: NO FUCKING SHIT.

K: YOUR COMMAND OF BASIC BODY LANGUAGE AND TONAL CUES NEVER CEASES TO ASTONISH ME

K: IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE YOU ALONG TO TELL US WHEN PEOPLE ARE BEING HAPPY OR SAD. OTHERWISE HOW WOULD THE BLIND GIRL AND THE EMOTIONLESS ROBOT EVER FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT?

K: AND FUCK YOU ESPECIALLY FOR WASTING MY TIME WHEN ANY SECOND NOW WE'RE GOING TO BE ATTACKED BY A SPACE MONSTER

K: BATTLE STATIONS EVERYONE

K: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

K: I KNOW THAT LAST TIME I SAID THAT IT WAS A DRILL AND I WAS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU

K: BUT THIS TIME I'M SERIOUS

K: MAN THE FUCKING PHOTON TORPEDOES WE DON'T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY

T: Y3S S1R!

A: affirmative

V: Right away, captain!

E: D --> Aye sir

E: D --> May I just say that that was an e%ceptionally deft and masterful statement of command

E: D --> On my home world such STRENGTH of character is greatly to be prized in a warrior

E: D --> I am proud to serve under such a noble commander as yourself and I can only hope to be worthy of the honour sir

K: IF YOU KEEP TALKING I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DIE

K: I WON'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER. MY BRAIN WILL RECOGNIZE THAT THE SITUATION IS UNSALVAGABLE AND TRIGGER THE AUTOMATIC SELF-DESTRUCT

K: ALL THE BILE IN MY GUT WILL START TO BOIL, IT WILL BUBBLE OUT OF MY EARS AND MOUTH AND MY BRAIN WILL DROWN ITSELF IN MY OWN SIZZLING VOMIT

K: SO REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE ABOUT TO CREEPILY GET OFF ON CALLING ME SIR AND DO US ALL A FAVOUR BY SHUTTING THE HELL UP INSTEAD

E: D --> Yes sir

E: D --> Shutting up now sir

E: D --> I will not speak again until commanded sir

K: URRGH

K: I HOPE THE SPACE MONSTER IS ONE OF THOSE CRYSTALLINE ENTITIES THAT DEVOURS ALL LIFE, I COULD REALLY GO FOR ONE OF THOSE ABOUT NOW

K: DO WE HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT IS YET

T: SOM3TH1NG COM1NG UP ON TH3 M41N S3NSORS NOW S1R

T: 1T LOOKS L1K3

T: HMMM

T: TH4TS W31RD

T: MY R34D1NGS SHOW TH4T 1T 1S 4N 1MP3NT3TR4BL3 FORC3 CONSTRUCT B3YOND TH3 TROLL C4P4C1TY TO G3N3R4T3 OR 3V3N TO UND3RST4ND

T: BUT 1T K1ND OF LOOKS L1K3

T: R34LLY B4D CG1?

T: > : ?

K: SHOOT IT.

A: captain i can say with a ninety nine percent degree of c0nfidence that all we will achieve by sh00ting it is t0 mildly deplete 0ur st0ck of ph0t0n t0rped0es

K: I DON'T CARE.

K: SHOOT IT ANYWAY.

When you were a kid, you used to fantasize about photon torpedoes. The name conjured images of blinding bolts of pure destruction, laying explosive waste to anything unlucky enough to cross their path. You thought they sounded like just about the coolest things in the universe, and you wanted to be one when you grew up.

Turns out they're about as lethal and intimidating as laser pointers.

As you watch them splash harmlessly against the massive wobbling field of mysterious space energy that just smugly materialized from out of fucking nowhere to block your path to a planet you actively didn't want to visit anyway, you wonder if it's too late to jump in the escape pod, hitchhike back to Alternia and get a new job as a pizza delivery troll.

K: ALRIGHT.

K: SHOOT IT AGAIN. HARDER THIS TIME.

A: captain that is n0t a meaningful 0rder

A: we have no viable way to increase 0ur t0rped0es' destructive p0tency

K: DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE.

A: i supp0se we c0uld try sh00ting it m0re and faster

K: THAT'S FUCKING GENIUS. DO THAT.

A: alright captain but i feel 0bliged t0 tell y0u that it is scientifically imp0ssible for such an attack t0 have any impact whats0ever up0n 0ur f0e

A: im afraid i d0nt understand

A: is this t0 d0 with em0ti0ns again

V: I have to say, captain, I'm sensing a lot of repressed anger and frustration from you. Perhaps you should go lie down in your quarters for a while?

V: One of us could take over the 8ridge! Speaking personally, sir, I'd be happy to take some of the stress off your hands for an hour or two.

K: UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER IS IT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE THAT I WOULD EVEN REMOTELY CONSIDER DOING THAT.

K: WE ALL REMEMBER THE TIME YOU TRIED TO GET US TO DECLARE WAR ON THE SUN.

V: With respect, sir, we could have taken that sun!

K: GOD MY HEAD HURTS.

K: JUST. FUCKING SHOOT IT.

K: I NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING AND I'M RAPIDLY LOSING INTEREST IN WHETHER IT'S A BEWILDERINGLY POORLY-RENDERED SPACE PHENOMENON OR A CREW MEMBER.

K: MAY I REMIND YOU ALL THAT I HAD ENGINEERING DEACTIVATE EVERY SETTING ON MY PHASER THAT WASN'T “KILL” ON ACCOUNT OF I COULDN'T IMAGINE EVER POSSIBLY NEEDING THEM.

T: F1R1NG 4W4Y, C4PT41N!

T: P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W

K: LIEUTENANT PYROPE, ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU ARE MAKING STUPID NOISES.

T: P3W P3W P3W P3W

T: Y3S S1R

K: AND YET YOU HAVEN'T DIED OF A SHAME ANEURISM.

K: THE UNIVERSE IS TRULY FULL OF WONDERS.

K: I FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE THE PRIVILEDGE OF EXPERIENCING THIS.

T: 1F 1 D1DN'T M4K3 NO1S3S C4PT41N HOW WOULD 1 KNOW TH4T 1 W4S F1R1NG MY L4S3RS PROP3RLY?

T: H4V3 YOU FORGOTT3N TH4T 1M BL1ND?

T: P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W P3W

A: if i may be permitted to experiment with idi0m, we appear to have achieved “fuck-all 0f n0thing”, sir

A: what w0uld y0u like us t0 try next

K: FUCK.

K: NOPE. I'VE GOT NOTHING.

K: THAT WAS MY ONE IDEA. NOW I'M COMPLETELY FUCKING OUT.

K: LET'S ALL JUST SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR DEATH I GUESS.

A: ah yes i think i see

A: am i c0rrect in assuming that statement t0 have been made with hum0r0us intent

K: NOPE YOU FUCKED UP, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SERIOUS IN MY LIFE.

K: WE CAN'T GO FORWARDS BECAUSE THERE'S AN INEXPLICABLE FUCKING STAR MYSTERY IN OUR PATH, WE CAN'T GO BACKWARDS BECAUSE IF WE RETURN TO ALTERNIA EMPTY-HANDED WE'LL ALL BE DISEMBOWELLED FOR FAILURE TO OBEY ORDERS.

K: WE'RE COMPLETELY OUT OF OPTIONS.

K: HAS ANYONE ELSE GOT ANY IDEAS, OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DON'T, YOU'RE ALL INCOMPETENT MORONS.

V: We could try ramming it at full speed, sir. One of us would be sure to break.

K: HAVING PROVED MY POINT BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, I DIE CONTENT.

K: EVERYONE FIND A COMFORTABLE HOLE TO CRAWL INTO AND AWAIT OBLIVION'S SWEET EMBRACE.

K: THESE ARE OFFICIAL CAPTAIN'S ORDERS. DISOBEY AT YOUR PERIL.

K: NOT THAT I GIVE A FUCK SINCE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY.

Q: Not exactly embodying the spirit of discovery, are we, captain?

K: WHAT THE FUCK.

K: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM.

There's a stranger on your ship.

The first thing you notice about him is his head. Well, you say head. It's certainly on top of his body, but the heads of most species have things like mouths and eyes and ears, and the featureless white sphere that this guy thinks he can pass off as a cranium is singularly lacking in all of the above.

But you're a highly experienced starship captain and you can just about tolerate that. What you can't tolerate is the fact that the guy is dressed like a gamblignant.

Who the hell does he think he is? Gamblignants went out of fashion centuries ago, at least the kind who wear big floppy hats and stupid great coats and are generally tarted up like total dickheads. How does that thing even stay on top of his perfectly smooth dome? And where does he get off telling you how to fly your ship?

You can't think of any more questions because you're too busy shooting him over and over again. It has always been your policy to do that first. If there's anything left standing you'll maybe see about moving to the diplomacy portion of the evening.

Unfortunately, when the smoke clears what's left standing proves to be the mysterious stranger, completely unruffled. You didn't even manage to singe his hat. 

Q: Is that any way to treat a respected visitor?

K: I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER MET ONE.

K: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING DOING. THIS IS MY SHIP. GET OFF IT.

Q: Make me.

K: IF ANYONE ABOARD THE BRIDGE HASN'T DEPLETED THEIR PHASER IN THIS DOUCHEBAG'S GENERAL DIRECTION WITHIN THE NEXT THIRTY SECONDS I WILL TAKE IT AS A PERSONAL INSULT.

The air smells like burning ozone. There are more painfully bright laser beams shooting around every which way than you've seen since Lieutenant Pyrope dragged you to that rave on Futron-9. After-images sizzle their way into your retinas.

Q: Please. As if such primitive weapons could have any impact on such an advanced being as myself.

The fucker's just standing there. It's like a cool fucking breeze to him.

Q: It seems that in a fit of petulance you have resorted to the use of an even more primitive weapon.

Q: Please stop. It would be impossible for you to harm me physically, but watching you try is embarrassing for all of us.

A: captain he was able t0 c0mpletely ign0re the c0mbined f0rce 0f a d0zen deadly particle beams

A: n0t t0 menti0n all the ph0t0n t0rped0es

A: i d0nt think y0ur regimental sickle is g0ing t0 have much 0f an impact

K: WHAT.

Q: So perhaps you could stop belabouring me about the skull with it.

K: OH.

K: RIGHT. HUH. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS DOING THAT.

K: ANYWAY.

K: IT SEEMS THAT FORCE HAS FAILED US. WITH THE UTMOST RELUCTANCE I RESORT TO CALM AND RATIONAL DIPLOMACY.

K: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, YOU FUCKING FUCKASS, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING THROUGH THAT STUPID FUCKING ORB OF YOURS, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ABOARD MY FUCKING SHIP, TELL ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OR FUCK OFF BACK TO THE FUCK DIMENSION.

Q: Gladly.

Q: Tell you what I want, that is. I do not hail from the Fuck Dimension, nor does it sound like the kind of place I'd willingly visit.

Q: I've come here today to test you.

K: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

Q: Quite.

Q: I hail from a species far in advance of your own. We lack names in the way you understand them. However, if it will aid in your primitive comprehension, I shall permit you to call me Doq.

Q: Your species currently rampages unchecked throughout the galaxy. Your reach is felt in every solar system, aboard every ship, on distant moons and uncharted asteroids.

Q: Yet you have all the maturity and self-discipline of a child throwing a tantrum because he's just been denied a sweetie.

Q: My people are inconceivably superior to yours. Our power and intellect outstrips yours by every possible metric. This orb alone contains more knowledge than do the combined brains of every single sapient lifeform in what you rather humorously refer to as an “empire”.

Q: As such, it is our place to determine whether your species should be permitted to advance any further, in the faint hope that it will one day demonstrate even an inkling of responsibility, or whether it should be cut down before it has the chance to pollute the universe even more than it already has.

Q: I believe the term your species would use is “cull”.

Q: As the current holder of one of your species' most respected offices, and as their designated ambassador to the unknown, we have selected you and your crew to be our test subjects. You all must represent the finest your people has to offer.

Q: Their very survival hangs in the balance.

K: HOLY SHIT, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CLOWN.

K: DO YOU EVER SHUT UP? I THOUGHT DRIFTING THROUGH AN INFINITE BLACK FEATURELESS VOID WAS BORING BUT FUCK IF IT ISN'T PREFERABLE TO LISTENING TO YOU TALK.

K: YOU LOOK LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT BY THE WAY, YOUR HAT LOOKS STUPID AND YOU LOOK STUPID WHEN YOU'RE WEARING IT.

Q: I thought you might feel more comfortable around me if I was dressed in the uniform of a ship captain like yourself.

K: BULL FUCKING SHIT.

K: YOU JUST FUCKING GET OFF ON WEARING COSTUMES, DON'T YOU.

Q: Would you prefer this?

Q: The command suit of a drake pilot in the Grand War of Succession. Not one of the prouder moments of your species' history.

K: OH FUCK, YOU CAN CHANGE COSTUMES AT WILL, I AM TREMBLING IN MY FUCKING BOOTS AT YOUR UNLIMITED SPACE POWERS.

K: GUESS WHAT, WE HAVE THAT TRICK TOO, IT'S CALLED A WARDOBEIFIER, MOST PEOPLE GROW OUT OF PLAYING WITH IT BEFORE THEY'RE SIX SWEEPS OLD.

K: WE'D ALL BETTER LOOK OUT GUYS. THE ULTRADIMENSIONAL STAR COSPLAYERS ARE ONTO US. LET'S ALL DRESS UP AS OUR FAVOURITE TROLL ANIMES AND HOPE TO WIN THEIR APPROVAL.

Q: Such petty insults do nothing to justify the preservation of your species.

K: SUCH PETTY INSULTS DO NOTHING TO JUSTIFY YOUR STUPID FACE.

K: NOT THAT YOU HAVE ONE, I MEAN, IF YOU HAD A FACE IT WOULD BE STUPID AND SUCH PETTY INSULTS WOULD DO NOTHING TO JUSTIFY IT. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

Q: Regardless.

Q: I had hoped to resolve this matter with simple conversation, but it seems that a more dramatic approach will be called for. Of course, I knew that already, being omniscient.

Q: You'll all come with me.

K: FUCK NO WE WON'T, FUCKASS.

Q: It seems you have interpreted a statement of fact as a request. Try not to make such simple mistakes in future.

Q: Here we are, then.

K: WHAT.

K: WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

T: C4PT41N 1 4M D3T3CT1NG A SURG3 OF T3L3PORT4T1ON 3N3RGY

T: 1F 1 H4D TO GU3SS 1D S4Y W3 W3R3 4LL JUST T3L3PORT3D

T: WH1CH WOULD 3XPL41N HOW W3 GOT TO TH1S TOT4LLY D1FF3R3T PL4C3

V: I'm sensing even more hostility, captain. A remarkable amount! Really quite a lot of hostility all over the place.

E: D --> Is there danger

E: D --> Get behind me robot

E: D --> As a member of a proud and noble warrior race it is my duty to protect you

A: im super st0ng and basically indestructible but 0kay

K: EVERYONE SHUT YOUR WORD CHASMS

K: WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE

K: IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A FUCKING HISTORY GRUB

Q: That's precisely what it is, captain.

Q: You've been brought before a courtroom of the ancient Alternian past. Here you shall be put on trial, according to the customs of your own species, for the crimes of that same species. Should you be judged guilty, there is only one possible sentence.

K: OH FUCK NO.

K: THIS IS RIDICULOUS, YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

T: BUT TH3S3 COURTROOMS W3R3 NOTOR1OUSLY UNF41R!

T: ONLY TH3 T1N13ST FR4CT1ON OF OFF3ND3RS M4D3 1T OUT W1TH TH31R H43DS ST1LL 4TT4CH3D

Q: That is precisely the point.

Q: Court is now in session.

Q: Shall we begin?


End file.
